The Reason I Live is Christ

Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you. (1 Tim 4:16)

Sunday, April 30
The worries of a Man.. endless!

Yea, maybe because i got quite some free time with me for the past 2 weeks, so i spent the time to do my QT slowly, thinking through and reflecting.. Each day i check on myself, see my habits, my character.. See where I wanna change, etc.. It's a good time to really realign myself.. But hopefully i didn't over do it.. But nevertheless, setting aside time to be with God alone really wasn't easy.. Even when there's free time, there's even a struggle between doing what I wanted and doing what is beneficial/fulfilling my responsibilities...

It's always surprising to see how i always long to go to the beach to get away from everything.. let the wind and waves remind me of God's peace as I let me worries loose and let any thought just flow through.. It's always great.. but productive or not.. hmm... questionable.. =p

Just yesterday after reaching home from cell group.. on my table i saw this opened letter.. Congras, u have been accepted into NUS Science... Cool, that's 1st step.. now more thigns to worry about.. annual fees, cost of staying in hostel, scholarship, what the course includes, what i need to revise.. oh well.. no worries.. not because i got time.. But that everything will work out in time.. because I got a loving God.. just need to work at it one step at a time.. =)

-=P3ng=- | 11:21 pm

Saturday, April 29
Forgetting -- My great Enemy!

Not sure if it's because I've been playing Chain of Memories lately that causes me to think deeply into this topic..

It happens so many times that it is now labelled as my weakness..not being observant and have poor short-termed memory. not leaving out an inability to remember people names esp within the 1st few days of knowing that person.

My concerns of losing memories sparked as I went back to TJC's Outdoor Activities Club room last thurs.. My intention was just to see what's new and hopefully update myself, esp I haven't been going back for the past year... As i sat the bus to TJC, i tried to recall all the names of my juniors.. Geez even that took quite some time and effort for me... As I recalled, it's like opening up a dusty box left in the storeroom.. Slowly things start coming back to me... Yet because all these memories are chucked one side and hardly been revisited, the memories seemed rather foreign! I almost asked myself... Did i really went through that?!? Entering the room, I met a few juniors (they are my juniors' junior.. and because i hardly came back last year.. i dunno anyone of them!) so it was kind of like introducing myself to everyone.. =s

I talked a lot with them, sharin my past experiences (all those i manage to gather back..) and ask them about their experiences and struggles in the club.. I can remember the things i talked about.. But even though i especially asked them their names again before i left..now i erm.. forgot.. -_-

My memories are like stored in boxes.. Each got labels like St John trainings, school life in TJC, Mt Kinabalu, MT Korbu, OAC activities, BMT, SISPEC, MCC... Then when i don't talk about it, don't revisit my memories, they are like documents slowly getting mouldy.. i really wonder... will i ever forget so much that i can never recall it at all? *shiver...

i told myself.. OAC has been such a great part of my life.. though how my junoirs turned out was disappointing and i do blame myself that i could have been a better instructor, thus causing me not be proud of my stay in OAC. Nevertheless, the torturous PT sessions, the events we organised.. the mountains we climbed.. all these are just too valuable to forget.. or is it? Does it go for friends as well... Even good friends.. If i don't stay in contact.. esp after long years pass.. will i totally forget about them?

perhaps this fear is part of my previous struggle of not wanting to let go of the past... just looking back.. it has only been less than 2 years since i left TJC.. yet i'm having problems remembering!

"Memories are here to stay"--- not true if you don't continuously revisit them for me. But this brings me to something more important to worry about.. Remembering God.

Ok, maybe not God but remembering what He has done in my life, the prayers He answered, how He divinely intervened and guided me through my struggles. In times of struggle, will I forget the nature of God and loses trust in Him? I certainly hope not! Perhaps that's why we need to be reminded.. everyday! Such is the forgetfulness of man.. Ok especially more so for my case..!

-=P3ng=- | 10:52 pm

Friday, April 28
Thinking too much?

I've been spending quite sometime by myself these few days. Realised I'm those that don't really mind being alone for quite a while.. To think through what has happened, to do what I want to do, without others watching me, judging me. There's always this pressure that I feel, that i can never totally be myself when with others. Maybe it's just being responsible. realising that somethimes my actions affect others, so i feel that pressure. it's good and bad but well that's that.. Been spending too much time looking at my character, thinking of how i want it to be, until i wonder if i had lost myself at times... =s

Guess it's bad to think too much? Well, I was wondering about my capacity to endure... before and after i accepted Christ.2 particular periods...

*sorry gtg for VJC drama nite.. =)

*post deleted. VJC drama nite was cool.. Black comedy was very nicely delivered as a whole.. Bridge to Terabithia wasn't as good.. lacked that impact? oh well, i'm no drama expert.. =p

-=P3ng=- | 5:13 pm

Tuesday, April 25
Purposeful Rest | Discovering about myself

My teenage years somehow had been heavily involved in influencing my attitude towards work, play and rest. For 6 whole years, ever since joining commitment-demanding CCAs (which i strongly believe that my name appearing on the St John Ambulance Brigade list when I was sec 1 was filled with much Divine interventions), I have been usually sleep-deprived, always rushing my homework, always having trainings into weekends when others were resting from their week in school. Holidays were always acitivity packed, and holiday homework is no stranger to any student. Being in JC was no different when I joined OAC.

Complaining? Not really. The fruits I reap were of much worth compared to any possible rest. The busyness filled my secondary and JC life with richness and LIFE to it. Without it, it won't be as memorable.

But these experiences inevitably shaped my character and attitude towards work, play and rest. Taking time to examine, I realise it's no wonder I would feel weird about the idea of chilling. Of just slacking at a cafe, and chat. At the back of my mind, I always carry this to-do-list around with me. More often than not, I would always be faced with the situation of "much to accomplish but given little time".

So when I was told I can finally clear my OFF days, (finally I have began what I wanted to blog. it's quite cool to let my mind talk for a bit..) I was quite lost at first. I got a total of 7.5 days of OFF to clear. how i accumulate until so much? Remember I had to leave halfway during LOST camp? REmember I had to leave after 1st day of retreat last year? They forfeit my leave and convert it into OFF because I had to attend a few important courses. So I was allowed to clear 3 days last week and 3 days this week, giving me 6 days free from work to look forward to.

My issue was a feeling of guilt I felt today. It feels weird being given so much time to rest, that the thought of how much of it is truly deserved made me feel uneasy. Perhaps that's the effects of the already shaped attitude of task-based mindset in me.

I didn't quite spend my 3 days last week well. Wednesday I managed to planned out and follow what I needed to complete. Then thursday and friday just passed by as I kept choosing to do what I felt like doing instead of what I need to do.

Knowing that God has divinely arranged these few days of rest for me. I need to take this time to do the things I always complain I had no time to do.

Time is a resource given by God. Choosing what to do with it gives it its worth. Precious or worthless, that depends on how it's used.

-=P3ng=- | 8:33 pm

Friday, April 21
What Superpower would you want?

Back in India while we were waiting for our trainees to unpack their armoured vehicles, the instructors sat down together and started chatting.. So this question was brought up for discussion, "If given a choice, what superpower would you want?"

Some said the ability to fly. Another said being Invisible, while one said ability to stop time. What they wanna use it for isn't so hard to imagine but that's not what my post is about. I have thought about it before I became a Christian. As a human we all dreamed of being in control, being special, being to do things that we desire without the constrains or restrictions. But when I was asked this question at that point in time.. it took me quite a while to think.. Actually realistically speaking, I don't need any, because I got a God who is all powerful. But i answered something which really showed the desire of my heart at that point in time. I said i would like to have to ability to cause others to be mute so that they can learn to listen more. It was during the period where I was getting very irritated by their complains and talk only no action attitudes. If only they will listen... maybe because I took them too seriously, or just that I don't know how to put my thoughts properly in words...

Anyway, just for the fun of it.. what powers would I have wanted? Hmm.. being able to fly is really cool! esp when my chinese name is associated with bird and flight.. =D

-=P3ng=- | 11:36 pm

Wednesday, April 19
Bearing Fruit For Christ

Sharing something God taught me.

John 15:8
"My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples"

A Vine doesn't only produce fruit so that a person can eat, it also enables the seed from that plant to be scattered.
As a Christian, not merely to produce the sweet fruit of good deeds and good actions (the fruits of the Spirit), but to cause others to want the life you are living.

My life is a witness, but a verbal witness is also necessary to glorify God instead of myself. If I remain silent, then others will see the fruits of the Spirit in me (love, faithfulness, kindness, peace, self-control, patience, joy, gentleness, goodness) but not see the source. They will only see me as different but not understand why.
One way to show Christ's character is to demostrate love. eg in loving your enemy. When others see you do that, they may ask, " How can you love like that? How can you love someone who mistreats you?" That's the time to praise the Vine, saying," The truth is, i can't love like that, but Christ can love that person through me."

Action:
Continue to abide in Christ, trusting and obeying Him, leading to bearing fruit, and most importantly make it known to others that God is the one working in me. Tell them the wonders of the Lord.

-=P3ng=- | 9:26 am

Tuesday, April 18
What will your response be?

To the recent events that has happened, the gospel of Judas, The Da Vici Code, the founding of a fossil of a fish that walked, all aimed to discredit God and His works.

(The gospel of Judas - claimed that the 4 gospels in the bible did not potray Judas correctly, that Jesus planned the betrayal, that Judas is the 'hero', being the 'outstanding' one among the other disciples

The Da Vinci Code - the best selling book, which its movie is coming out soon, accused Christians for keeping a secret that Jesus did not die on the cross but married Mary and gave birth.. And the decendents of the Divine walked the earth today

The fossil of Tiktaalik roseae, which lived about 375 million years ago, has features that blur the distinction between fish and terrestrial limbed creatures. By this evolutionists jumped and used it to attack those who believed in intelligent design. They claimed that this is evidence for molecule to human evolution where through millions of years, sea animals slowly evolved into land animals, giving way to ape then Man. )

As a child of God, what is your response?

Offended? Wanting to counter, wanting to prove them wrong? That was my inital feelings. But for us who knows the truth and walk through each day with the living God, will any of these shake our faith? No, our faith does not rests on logical explanation or miracles performed. It was God who puts the faith in us. Not by what we have seen or heard, nor by any of the other 5 senses that caused us to believe. And to us who experiences God everyday, no evidence or explanation or new theories can turn us away from following our Lord who has been so real to us.

Our concern then should be shifted to those who are lost. Those who is misled by all these. But instead of not welcoming all these, God has helped me to look at it from a different perspective. When the Christian faith is challenged, when a person who don't know what's the big fuss about Judas, or if he asks what is Christianity and which is correct? These are all opportunities to explain and to share. In fact, since God allowed all these to come about, He is giving us a lot of opportunities. People once not concerned see this best seller book and starts asking qn. All these are part of God's plan.

But never try to fight the argument. Our concern is not to win it. So what if we get the whole world to accept that the Da Vinc code is fiction or that the world is created. It's their salvation that is of importance.

Hence, my response will be to be prepared. As what the apostle John said, "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction." (2 Tim 4:2)
Be ready, read up, understand, and most importantly, lean on your firm faith in God through this period where ppl are going all out to discredit God and His works.

-=P3ng=- | 9:16 pm

Saturday, April 15
How God prepared me

Current Events that happen:
1 week since I come back from India, stomach still weak, trying to get use to sg food =s
My trainees passed out! Next 2 weeks got off days =)
Just spent one wonderful slack day of fellowship with SPY 001 at Sherm's place
Missed Last Supper =(
Street E last sunday, shared to 3 sec 2 hai sing catholic guys at parkway

There are many events to write about. But I'll stick to the one that's not too event reporting..
Yesterday while slacking at Not Just Waffles, East Point with SPY 001. Got into a discussion and i tried to imagine what my life will be like should I joined church from sec sch. It felt so out of place. As if should I have joined the church and cell group earlier, many things would have been a lot diff, and it's not with a positive note. Somehow looking at my life, the way God prepared me through sec sch and 1 year of JC before opening my heart to accept Him is so that the events will happen as how He has perfectly planned it. From the trials and struggles, to opening up my brother's heart in His time, all is perfect the way it is.

And it will always be, as long as I continue to trust and submit to His guidance. I am always amazed whenever I look at myself a year back. I would have never expect I'll be where I am now. And it's really comforting to know God is still carrying out His plan in us... until the end of time... That's freedom.. freedom from worrying about what the future may hold.. Uncertainty transformed into faith and trust, certainty and hope.

The truth will set you free...

-=P3ng=- | 10:52 am

Lord, Take My Life I Pray

Third Day - Take My Life
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
To give it away to Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight

Precious Lord, You know how this heart desires for You. Yet I do not have to strength to do what I truly want. Help me dear Lord, so that I'll be willing to submit to You all the days of my life.

-=P3ng=- | 10:02 am

Sunday, April 9
So how was India?

once again, i have to rush my post.. 25mins.. can't write too much.. so much happened for the 19 days.. so much feelings and emotions bottled up, so much experiences with God that i have no Christians to share to in India..

As I mentioned, God has helped me to be more accepting of His will in where He has arranged for me to be. The India trip took a lot from me, drained me until I gave up speaking, bottled up my thoughts, and tried to live through the days in my own world.

I experienced all 4-folds of disharmony.

Disharmony with God
Unable to accept my friends for who they are, I couldn't see them with compassion. I couldn't find the desire to show God's love to them. Why bother I thought, these ppl demand, they don't appreciate. I tried to keep my Christian life with relationship with God alone. But each time i come to God, i always have the burden of knowing I did not fully obeyed God. Many times I felt tired, wondering why God can't give me words of wisdom to touch the minds of my friends. I felt I'm being persecuted long enough, where is my help?

Disharmony with Self
I struggled with my inability to be a reflection of Christ. I cannot even control myself and got myself addicted to playing my Nintendo DS, so much it's a struggle to stop playing and do my QT, I even have thoughtst at times to finish my QT fast to cont playing. Thank God His Holy Spirit helped me and I didn't get distracted for my QT.
I struggled with my reluctance to speak up. because i am tired of no one listening, tired of being the one always looking at things from a different perspective.

Disharmony with others
(with my fellow instructors)
not sure if they will ever read, but note I'm not against them, but struggled with the situation I'm in. I will never blame them for who they are, only hoping to touch them in the ways God tell me to. Towards the end of the trip, I asked myself why I felt so drained and all. being the only Christian took a lot from me. No internet or autoroam already shut me from the outside world. I had to depend on GOd, and God alone. And I realised smth, among instructors, they always complain why never think of them and stuff, say another one is selfish whenever he did not consider the other. Driven by God's love, I always tried my best to put others before myself, but come to think of it, i felt quite drained because no one truly cared for me. everyone always busy telling others all their troubles and displease, always complaining, me being the silent one was left alone at times. not always definitely,but i dun remember a lot of times where they asked to help me or wondering how i'm coping.
An expectation? I know I don't deserve anything. IN no way being a Christian deserves ppl to care for u. No, it didn't.

with those of higher ranks
my feelings was so intensed that I decided to pen them down in verses and proverbs. the words speak for themselves the type of disharmony i went through.
It is easier to teach a child how to tie his shoelace than for an old man to relearn his ways
Experience comes with age but wisdom starts with a humble heart
He who is proud is foolish, for what he knows is all he will ever learn
He who thinks he knows everything knows nothing
Respect grows from the confidence the follower has in his leader
Time is the only thing that seperates a proud leader from his fall
Do not seek repsect if there is only falsehood and deceit in you
Responsibility drives the mind and body but passion drives the heart

Disharmony with nature
It proves to be of significance. basically so far when ppl ask me i'll speak of this aspect. Superficial yes but still significant! Hot and dry climate. It didn't rain for my whole duration there. Water evaporates so fast that pouring water on ur hand is very cooling! Weather is so dry, the skin around my mouth dries so bad it hurts to smile. If i forget to put moisturiser on my lips, they WILL crack. We get to drink mineral water for 19 days. The nights are so cold you will shiver until you are being forced to wake up in the middle of the night to put on a jacket then sleep. the nights are cold. i shivered as i bathe once. totally bad experience. The food is incredible. They don't have green leafy vege. Almost every meal there's curry, even the night snacks are spicy. There is so much loose and fine sand that when a strong wind blows, it's like a mini sand storm. traveling with Armoured vehicle kicks up so much sand that when the vehicle following behind dismount, the person has a thin layer of sand on his face.

Thanks be to God the Christian life doesn't end with Disharmonies. for the promise of restoration is always with those who hope in the Lord. I still see God among the disharmonies when He kept helping me through, kept telling me what to do, gave me the strength to carry on another day. God did not forsake me though i was unfaithful. and thank God He helped me through, that despite it was a rough journey, I'm thankful I walked through it with God.

There was an incident I must share. At the cook house one day, this indian staff (he works in the indian army at the cookhouse) while serving asked me, 'You Christian?' (I guessed he saw me praying before every meal.) I gave a slight nod and replied casually, Yes. But for him, when he got his confirmation, his face lit up and said excitedly, 'I Christian too!' and he starts telling his friends about it. It really encouraged me for a moment, to remember the greatness of God extents far beyond what I can imagine. But later when i think back, it struck me. What was it that he can be so excited about his identity with God but I couldn't be as excited. Was I ashamed/ afraid?

If someone ask you if you are a Christian today, how will you reply? what tone will it be?

-=P3ng=- | 8:29 pm