The Reason I Live is Christ

Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you. (1 Tim 4:16)

Sunday, May 29
Worrying

Even after reminding myself, praying to God, knowing that God will be there, i still can't help myself to worry of what's to come...

Now in my course I'm being handed over the LSM (leader sgt major or simply coy i/c) and never was I being put in the spotlight and with great responsibilities. Even though I'm quite sure I know what to do, I'm not confident, I'm nervous, afraid to screw up, getting scolded, afraid that I may do smth not pleasing in God's sight.

I got this heat rash on friday that was so horrible that I was on my knees and cried. Even though I kept praying about it, even though I know I must trust God, I keep worrying that it'll come back again during my 32km route march and I'm afraid I may fall out. I'm afraid that I do not have the strength to keep going...

I kept worrying but God kept reminding me stop worrying and believe! His power is beyond our understanding and He has always been there for me. Cast all my anxieties on Him, Be still and know that He is God.

-=P3ng=- | 4:59 pm

Monday, May 23
Stop, Observe, Reflect, Go!

Today is one of those days that I cycle to the beach to feel the wind blowing from the seas and the sound of ripples (they are too small to be waves anyway) upon the shore. It has always been a pleasant trip to 'unplug' myself from the world and allow my mind to find rest in God's peace. Though i must say the park is very packed with ppl! Guess I'm not the only one that wants to take a break and relax by the beach on a Public Holiday.

This weekend has been for once sufficient for me. As in this time it seemed long enough. I felt rested, and prepared rather than the usual grumble of the limited hours of book out i have. Perhaps one of the reason is because i got no games to play. My wc3 cd is with a fren and somehow I didn't get a chance to borrow the Battle of Middle Earth from Romans. So this bookout I ended up watching videos and 2 movies. Star Wars and garfield(this one i dled =p) and 6 episodes of Smallville which now I finished Season 4! Of cos today didn't go as what I planned to do but i guess it doesn't really matter much.

Today i took time to evaluate myself, to see where am I so that I'm not too engrossed in my present and immediate worries and forget my goals in life.

Where am I now?
-On the brink of entering my 10th week of BSLC
-in a few hours time gonna start nutcracker exercise
-halfway thru my 2nd year with Christ
-point to decide which uni and which course to go into, ultimately my future
-still struggling with time management, procrastination, relationship desires

Who I hope to bring to Christ by the end of the year?
-My bro
-My parents
-Shi Yuan (my life-long fren)

Future:
Honestly, as much as i like to try out this path, I'm not sure what will become of it. I see myself giving talks and educating youths (both Christians and non-christians) in singapore about creation, pointing them to the evidences that God has left to prove His existence and His identity as a creator.
20For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

It's weird to picture myself and the future that is going to come. So much unknown, so much factors. Yet, i do not want to move ahead unprepared, without thinking of the path. Surely God has planned and will guide but more often than not He will not verbally tell me excatly which path to take.

Last sat during cell group (i brought my bro along), God allowed this chance for members to get to know our leaders better through conversations and questions. Hearing from them help me understand some of the problems they face and how they overcame them with the help from God. To most of them it was my interest to ask what are their plans for the future and how to decide. God has been very kind allowing my bro to sit through all the conversations and listening to how God helped each leader and also about our experiences and even my personal experiences with God.

Just pray that God will continue to work in my brother so that one day he might accept Christ.

-=P3ng=- | 7:32 pm

Sunday, May 22
April Reflection Letter

(6 weeks in SISPEC)

Losing fire for the Lord

After 16 long weeks in the army, I guess it’s hard for anyone not to get used to army life. But that does not change the fact that there’ll still be this dreadful feeling during each book in. Army isn’t that horrible or boring, it’s just that the ‘sian-ness’ sets in after a while, especially when it becomes a routine when you’re just simply living through each day. It becomes tiring mentally having to go through training and ‘suffer’ without any motivation or purpose to carry on. It’s not that I have no purpose or motivation. Instead, it’s more of forgetting them, forgetting what it is that I’m after, what drives me to carry on. I seemed to have lost them along the way, lost that fire I had in the initial stage, that clarity in my understanding of my purpose, that focus and devotion to serve my Creator. My greatest struggles were the times where I know what God wants me to do but I can’t bring myself to do it. It usually happens when I’m just too tired to be bothered by it. That by itself tires me out even more and I find myself being frustrated and become very easily annoyed and irritated. It’s usually at those times that I seem to have forgotten how to smile. It’s like a chain that continues to get worse as it go along. There were times I even pondered why I lost that joy in serving God and why I keep focusing on the ‘suffering’ I’m going through. Surely life as a Christian isn’t just about suffering!

During the 5th week in SISPEC, there was the summary exercise (or the grand slam as it was previously known as) which lasted 4 days. During this time I was ‘separated from God’s word’ and I always seemed to be tired, mostly due to the one-third alert (taking shift to keep watch through the night). Throughout the exercise, I find myself drifting away from God. I procrastinated my prayers either because I’m too tired and wanted to sleep or I feel awkward for being too prayerful in front of my non-Christian section mates. I’ve also noticed how my mindset became negative and earthly minded. Perhaps it is the daily influence and those around me that I become more aware of my physical suffering through each training. I see myself becoming more self-centered and my mind became focused on only doing my personal stuff and getting tasks done. I end up going through each day by doing what is required of me as a trainee. No more sharing of gospel or encouraging other Christians; just kept looking forward to each book out and rest. Maybe I sound worse than what the situation actually is but I won’t deny that I’ve lost that fire I had for God.

Nevertheless, God has been kind. Through bible study in cell group, Sunday school and Sunday sermons, God has reminded me how He is in control, how He has always been with me. In this 2nd term God has given yet another blessing – a fellow Christian within my platoon. Since the start of term 2 of BSLC, we have been meeting each morning before fall in to share and pray. Occasionally we try to get other Christians to join us but as of now all of us find it a tough challenge to wake up early to meet. Thank God for His providence and pray that He will help us sustain the group, that it will grow and help us in our walk with Him so that the group may bring glory to Him.

God has also helped me by revealing to me the root of my problem. He showed me how many times things aren’t as bas as I though it might be and that it is all about my mindset and attitude. Pray with me that I’ll always remember the hope that I have in God’s promises and the joy in doing His work. Pray that I’ll find back that fire to serve Him and continue to testify and bring glory to Him so that the 1 year and 10 months hat God has given to me in NS will not be wasted away.

-=P3ng=- | 7:50 pm

Sunday, May 15
The grace of God...

After reading Jean Shen's reflection letter, I find that there are many points that I too have struggles with...

When I grow weary, I too lose focus and self-control and becomes more prone to sinning. Life is packed with trials and tribulations because God uses them to purify His people, to prepare them for heaven. Based on my own strenght i can't survive! And recent events in the army proved this truth to me several times. I'm thankful for the grace God showed to me. That even though how lousy and terrible I am, how proud and self-confident I am at times, how I hold on to my righteouness base on my works, how I ignored Him at times, how I sinned even though He was there to warn me that I'm going to sin, He showed His love and gave me so much. He even provided me a fellowship in my platoon so that I will be disciplined in praying each morning and encouraging other Christians and being focused on Him...

There is just too much to receive from God that I felt so unworthy of them. God has been really kind to me. But as much as i know i shouldn't take these for granted, i still have this flaw and sin knowingly. Pray that I'll always place God words in my heart so that it will guard what I do and lead me not astray. Amen

-=P3ng=- | 4:50 pm

Sunday, May 8
Blog Template Change! (at last...)

Yay! Here it is... a change of blog template... Getting kind of tired of the last one... too black and dull for me.. Anyway thank God i stumbled upon this interesting template with this flash thingie on top.. kinda cool...

Life is turning better for a start.. maybe it's just because last week has been very slack but well it's still better... Because now God has provided a small gathering every morning before fall-in for a few christians friends to gather, share and pray... Though waking up a bit earlier raelly takes a lot of discipline and struggles, let's pray that we'll continue to keep it going and that the group will continue to grow as time passes...

Decisions on how time is to be spent is becoming an important issue for me... Simply because book-out time is always very short and on special holidays when it is a bit longer, I see myself wasting it away. Sometimes I get distracted, find myself spending time on unnecessary things that won't matter in time to come. Today it has been wonderful staying back in church together with my friends but i find myself spending way too much time playing a game on my friend's laptop.. =s oh well... It's now less than an hour till book in.. yet there's always so much i wanna do but can never get it done.. Sigh.. guess i must learn to be more disciplined if i ever wanna be productive!

-=P3ng=- | 7:35 pm

Monday, May 2
Pasir Ris - My Home, My Hobbiton!

A small town located at the extreme north-eastern part of the island
A place where it's quiet and peaceful
A place away from bustling activities (except downtown east =p)
A place home to many other families
A place where many teens come to book chalets during holidays
A place filled with childhood memories and much more
A place where I began my education
A place where I search and seek for God (before i found Him)
A place where I met my life-long buddy!
A place home to my 1st crush
A place where I set off from each day to begin my journey into the world
A place where I return to seek rest and peace after a tiresome day
This is my wonderful home... My own hobbiton!
=)
Pray that such a paradise will stand the test of time! May it never be lost in an everchanging life!

-=P3ng=- | 5:36 pm

Further Update

It's so annoying when you wanna change your blogskin but can't find a good one and can't make one yourself... Yes it is annoying... Haiz...

Anyway, my long weekend has turned out quite interesting even though I still end up much left undone... Going back to TJ, trying out the new obstacle tower (it belongs to OAC and only now then i try it), visiting old folks home with my family (my dad is RC member and they organised it) (I didn't know how wonderful both my parents can sing until they performed at the old folks home!) helping cleaning up the church, lastly, playing soccer and badminton with my class 11/03!

Sadly, my own unproductivity and procrastination has caused to be back where i started - still got tasks undone.. Things like packing my cupboard and looking up my university courses are stuff i wanted to do long ago and each time I set them as to-do stuff before i book out.. But i guess i lack the discipline to do what is neccessary. Even my blog i wanted to update and change the skin long ago.. Wanted to go pasir ris beach and take a good photo for it.. so many things i hope to do but somehow i always end up not making use of my time to do them...

It has been more 4 months since i entered the army and much has changed since then.. Beside the physical and looks aspect, my relationship with God has been challenged and affected the most... There were many ups and downs as it can been seen from my previous posts over the past 3 months... And I thank God that He has guided and sustained me all this while.. Thank you if you had been praying for me and I admit i dunno where i'll be without God... Everytime when people ask Hey how's army, my response will be tiring... SOmehow this tiredness doesn't seem to leave me. Keep having this wanting to rest feeling easily and that my mind has been through a lot... The sian-ness is really terrible everytime when I book in... Feels like why must i still go back... Can't wait to complete my course... Then again, I'm contradicting to what I believe in - living every moment of my life to the fullest... Oh well, guess I should keep my eyes on the present and like what I do. If not there won't be any motivation to carry on, save the fact that I'm suppose to testify God's love to anyone I meet... Like what I do... easier said than done..

Bascially, I have just poured out my thoughts.. Bit unorganised but well it's kind of release for me and updates for you guys what's going through my life...

Prayer request: Continue to pray for my family that they will be saved one day... For myself, pray that God will continue to be my peace in times of storm and that I'll be filled with joy rather than giving the sorrowful face everywhere i go..

*Wish I could learn how to smile once again...

-=P3ng=- | 5:14 pm

Sunday, May 1
Blog Update

Sorry guys for not changing the blog as I promised to.. Been rather lazy... Erm, I'll edit and post soon.. thx again for visiting my blog..
*hope i can complete before i book in tmr nite.. =s

-=P3ng=- | 9:00 pm