The Reason I Live is Christ

Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you. (1 Tim 4:16)

Saturday, February 12
Reflection Letter - Jan

Peng's Reflection Letter - January

It's now 1 month into my 2nd year with Christ and little did I expect so much changes to my life. Pardon me for this late letter because I seem to have troubles finding a peaceful time and place to reflect and write, whether it's at tekong or at home.

I'm very blessed by God because the CCAs that God led me to join in my previous schools has prepared and helped me tremendously in the Army. The high-disciplined St John Ambulance has provided me with the basics of regimentation and it helped a lot when I was the platoon i/c from the 4th day to the 6th. OAC, needless to say, helped me with the physical aspect and mental endurance to push through the trainings. But above all, I really must thank God that He accepted me into His kingdom a year ago so that I have time to grow spiritually and have the foundation of God's word firmly established in me.

Nevertheless, I still face struggles inside the army. The change in lifestyle has proved to have an impact on me as much as I want to ignore. I thought I could adapt easily but I guess after getting used to a student's life for over 13 years, this sudden change in way of life becomes smth hard to adjust to. This was more evident during the 1st 2 weeks of my BMT life. I find myself being worn out spiritually at times, having difficulty to maintain that close relationship I had with Him. I miss having the company of Christians, with people worshipping God together. At times I see myself lying in order to escape punishment or extra errands. Sometimes I'm brought to tears and felt the grief of the Holy Spirit when I sin so blatantly.

I'm thankful that God explained to me that my walk with Him is not dependant on the situation or circumstances around me. It's not the external influence (whether it's attending cell group, going to church, being with Christian friends, or being in a place where people use vulgarities as if they were punctuations, where the people have different sets of values, where the name of the Lord is rarely heard... etc) but the internal desire that matters. There's nothing other people can say or do that will affect my relationship with God. Perhaps that’s what part of what it means by guarding the relationship jealously.

There's one more thing God helped me to realize and that is attitude. My attitude towards NS has so far been negative. Almost every moment I feel tired and many times I wish it would stop. But God has helped me to remember that He has always been in control and He has His reasons for leading me onto this path. Sometimes I dread and question why I'm inside a platoon with such a strict platoon sgt but God always help me to see the other side, to see beyond the superficial level. One thing I've gained is to be more disciplined and I pray that I can apply it to my spiritual life.

There's much thoughts I can't put into words for now so I'll end here. I guess with the many things I'm about to face, I must remember who God is and hold on to Him. I'm very grateful for everyone who has been praying for me and just pray that I will put the tiredness aside and go the extra mile to talk and minister to my friends. Pray also for my Christian platoon mates Issac, Kok Leong, Shaun. Pray that they will stay strong in the Lord and not conform to the ways of the world. Thx.

-=P3ng=- | 5:44 pm

Wednesday, February 9
Listening to the Voice of God

I must say that I've been very blessed because most of the time I will know when God speaks to me in His numerous and mysterious ways.. whether it is through circumstances, through other people, through thoughts being 'injected' into my head (like a voice inside) (*more frequent), through the word of God (*seldom.. maybe cos I don't have much time to read the bible) (** wrong attitude, must change)

I don't really get much chances to read the bible a lot, especially now in the army.. But somehow God in His ways guide me through His Holy Spirit in coming to understand and know more about Him...

I'm blessed to hear Him, but more often than not, I choose to ignore or choose not to bother (I know now it sounds foolish not listening to Him but when you are in situations, your thinking changes...) Many times when the voice of God tells me to do things that require extra effort, that require me to run the extra mile, that depletes me from the rest that I'm already deprived of, I tend to take the easy way out, simply don't want to do... It has happened quite a few times already and I'm really very sian about it..

Haiz... Strange isn't it? That I can sing praises and declare that I'm willing to give my life to God but find myself holding back at times.. I guess some self soul searching has to be done...

-=P3ng=- | 11:11 pm

Looking from a different perspective...

Last night after the reunion dinner my brother and I made used of the night to watch the Return of the King extended version (it's 250mins!) while my parents are busy playing majong...

It's a long time since I've touched LOTR... I still can rem how I love to watch the trailers, read the book, watch clips again and again.. But that's so distant away.. Now I find difficulty even remembering the story...

The story is the same... But I saw smth I never see before.. I saw the 'military side', how soldiers in the past fight, how they pick up heavy armour and loads and ride for days and weeks to reach a battle... It somehow dawn upon me how a soldier's attitude is and how my attitude is.. It's like I'm treating NS as another adventure camp.. As teen boys, we don't really take the trainings seriously.. It's like we worry more about the welfare rather than being a better soldier to survive in war.. Of course what are the chances we'll fight a war.. but the point is if we realy do, I really can't picture myself together with my friends fighting...

Well it's just a thought... But seriously I really take my hat off to those warriors in the past that walk across vast lands and mountains carrying those heavy loads.. My fieldpack is already killing me.. haiz..

-=P3ng=- | 8:17 am

Tuesday, February 8
Back from Field Camp...

Finally I'm back... Seems like weeks since I here in front of my comp... Ok, as promised I'll post properly this time... Below are some reflections i wrote while in field camp.. Not a lot of posts cos most of the time I'm too tired to write... At the end of it I'll write an overall reflection of the past week..

2nd Feb 2005 (2nd day of field camp)
1246h
Campsite 2

Life out here in the wild isn't really that bad after all. I don't really feel very uncomfortable or sticky or dreading and longing to go home yet... So far it's been rather smooth sailing, I haven't experience any 'hell' that was promised by our platoon sgt so far.. Haven't have any tekan sessions or done any push-ups so far.. that by itself is uncommon..

My mindset currently is rather different. Truly, if I were back in my civilian life, my worries will be how dirty I am, the camo cream, what to do later... Here, the standards drop... All that i seek is a filled stomach, and rest whenever possible and I'm content.. We don't really need to worry much about that is going to happen later cos it isn't excatly within our control.. Just follow instructions can le.. No responsibilities, no need to worry about our safety, our next sleep area etc...

I guess I can now see how we worry over the unsignificant things. I can see how much I really trust and depend on Him and how much I truly know that He is in control...

Our platoon sgt promised us 'hell' for the 7 days... But I keep reminding myself that whatever I go thru is far from the true hell where I'll be separated from God, where there's no hope.. So whatever I go thru now will not be that bad because God is with us.

3rd Feb 2005 (3rd Day of Field Camp)
1020h
Ground Near Training Shed

Last night I had a chance to talk to Shi Yuan.. I'm quite glad that we can talk abt 'deep' topics that only close friends share.. (I've known him for 13 years already...) It's a pity we can't really talk much during that 2hr sentry last night..

While I was doing sentry last night, God in His own mysterious ways used it to relate to my life. As a sentry I have a job to do. I have to be alert to not allow intruders from entering and to guard while others rest... In the same way, God has a job for me in life - To testify His love, to trust and obey Him. Then, there will be distractions that will lead you away from your job. Things like tireness, thinking of what to do later before I sleep, wanting to eat my biscuits, filling my empty bottles, making drinks using the instant drink packets given in the combat rations, etc...These things have one point in common - They give only momentary satisfaction and they will make you not do your job well... Similarly, there are many distractions in life and very often we are misled without realising.. Just like how doing sentry requires endurance, running the race of God requires that same perseverance... It's not how well you do at any particular point in time but how you can stay focus throughout... Any one point in time you are not alert gives the enemy chance to harm everything you are trying to guard and protect..

That's that... Next issue: Somehow I just keep losing my stuff.. But God somehow always provides.. I can lose a right half-glove and find another one.. I can lose a torch but somehow manage to find another one.. I can lose my watch and find it twice.. This seriously shows how careless I am.. But it also shows how God has been kind.. Thank God!

6th Feb 2005 (Trench Digging Day)
2046h
Sitting In The Shellscrape I've Dug

I hestitated on whether I should write a reflection at such an awkward time and place. Sitting in a hole I've dug for a couple of hours with a small torch hanging from my left ear (sorry I can't seem to find a better spot to place my torch esp when I must keep the light focused downwards to prevent being seen from afar.

Today is rather tiring and slack in different ways. I never knew digging can be so tiring. Simply digging a body size hole (smth like a grave) is enough to drain you of your energy and take you a long time...As I was digging, I begin to take my hat off to Team Rocket on the numerous deep holes and tunnels they've dug.. Seriously not as easy as it seems...We spent the whole afternoon digging so we ended up slacking quite a lot when we finish.

I felt quite strange because today is the last 2nd day of field camp but I'm not excatly very anxious for it to be over. Personally, I really don't feel that this camp is as terrible as what I've imagined. The tireness I've experienced can't be compared to the past CCA camps I've been through. Perhaps it's because I'm more used to it already. Nevertheless, I must really thank God for helping me through. Thank Him for the unlimited grace that He has shown throughout the camp. I've been blessed with sunny days and it's a blessing because I need not sleep in puddles of water and wet clothes... Thank God!

7th Feb 2005
0330h
Still in the Shellscrape

I really want to jot down this though before I go back to sleep. I just went to toilet after my sentry and boy was it a interesting sight. No, not the toilet, but the journey to the toilet (it's at one end of the camp.. allocated trees and ground to shit and pee) On my way, I pass many other shellscrapes. As I shine my torch around, the place seemed like a graveyard! No kidding.. Esp when the holes are dug nicely, it becomes a hole waiting for a coffin to be placed in it.. And when the occupants stir or stretch out their hands, it becomes really quite a sight.. =p
Ok.. back to my own hole..

-=P3ng=- | 3:26 pm